I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
