and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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