so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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