So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
