There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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