I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
