I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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