Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
