A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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