Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
