You kept calling me your small dog last night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
