So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
