just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
