They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
