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Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
