Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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