i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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