im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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