I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
