i think i have herpe
just one?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
