Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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