he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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