Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
