I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
