I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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