saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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