69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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