You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
