8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
