I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
