Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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