so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
