I cockslap morals
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
