Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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