My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
