It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
