i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just want nice things and good sex
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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