My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
