I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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