How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
