OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
