I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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