I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
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He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
where are my eyebrows?
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