If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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