Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Im part way to drunk.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
