it wasn't lemon gatorade
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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