just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
