Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
