I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
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dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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