Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize