Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
