Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Come share oat with me in your robe
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
