then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
