Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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