ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
