i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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