Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
