last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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