She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
